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how a face can change when a heart knows fear // tmi tuesday #27

Greetings from not-LA! I’m visiting someone I’m dating this weekend and, since he worked today, I spent the whole day holed up in his room snuggling in his bed and watching cartoons. I’ve eaten Cheez-Its and 2 mini Three Musketeers bars. I’m a real grown-up, guys.

TMI Tuesday this week is a neat series of fun, pretty easy questions.

1. Are there any literary or TV/movie relationships that remind you of one of your real life relationships?

I watch a lot of TV and movies; anyone can tell you that (although, hilarious, not as much as actual real people who like television and movies). And, while I frequently find myself empathizing with characters’ emotions or experiences, I never really looked at a couple and thought, “Yes, that’s us.”

I think it’s because my relationships have been so complicated. Movies and television shows tend to have happy endings for their characters, and that’s never been me. I’ve never really seen my most meaningful relationships – one with someone who was married, the other with someone who is both long distance and poly – reflected in pop culture. It hasn’t given me much to work with, and I’ve been struggling to find the vocabulary from mono-, open, and poly-relationship to guide my relationships.

I assume we’re talking about dating/sex type relationships. I’ve never really noticed if TV/movie relationships are like the ones I have with my family or friends. I will say, however, that now when I watch anything that even remotely gets emotional about being a sibling, or being a parent, I get all watery and sloppy.

2. Would you rather make a
a. phone call
b. text
c. email

Definitely a text. Even though I love phone conversations and talking in person, I’ve gotten used to having text messages be my primary form of communication with people. I can get so many more thoughts out, and I can be quick and discreet. I love sexting, by the way.

Text messages also give me a decent record of what I’ve already said, without having to write a novel of an email about it.

3. What are you wanting more of in your sex life right now?

 

Sex. Communication. Intimacy. All the things that make sex really good and give me the warm fuzzies inside. Last night we fell asleep cuddling; he was pressed up against me with his head on my breasts and I was holding his head and stroking his hair. It was wonderful and made me deeply happy, but I wish that kind of intimacy was accompanied by the sex and conversation that made our first few months together amazing.

4. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are living right now?

I would get a new job that allowed me to work remotely and/or travel, quit my current one, and spend the last year of my life splitting my time between all the places I’ve always wanted to see and spending time with my family. I would stop worrying about money (except not really, I wouldn’t want all my debts to transfer to my parents since my life insurance wouldn’t cover all of them) and I would stop worrying about making other people happy. I would either dive into my current relationship or I’d let him go, depending on what he was willing to do with me before I died. I would write. I would research. I would finish all my DIY projects and wear a bikini to the beach.

5. Fill in the blank: If you really knew me, you’d know_____.

That I am insecure, and afraid that anyone who loves me will leave me, and anyone who likes me will never love me, and that I am only being played for a fool.

Bonus: If you could change one thing about how you were raised as a child, what would it be?

I would definitely have changed the fact that I grew up knowing virtually nothing about dating. I had no idea how to wear makeup or pick out clothes. As I’ve grown older I’ve grown weary of the games people play in dating, but to be honest I think it’s partially because I don’t know how to play the games or make them work for me. Once I know someone I can be flirty and sexy as much as I can be serious and intellectual, but I tend to be the latter first and then the former.

Image from Romantic Pornography on tumblr.

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but fever let me play the game

This week I was reading the Internet (as one does at work) and came across this Buzzfeed article and took the 16 Personalities assessment, and the combination got me thinking. I won’t go into the more practical side of money here (a different post for a different blog I don’t write), but I think we all have money stories about relationships that we wish didn’t exist.

Because I came from a family without money, I always assumed that I would end up with in a fairly equitable relationship. Neither me nor my partner would significantly outearn the other, because I just couldn’t imagine a world in which I knew people that far out of my socio-economic circle. I must have known that most of my friends’ parents’ outearned mine – that I was already outside of my socio-economic circle – but I never thought much of it. I was an optimist, I suppose. My boyfriend at the time did not seem significantly out of my reach, money-wise, and now that we are adults I know this is true.

When I finished college, I realized I had met a lot of rich people – people who went to the Caribbean for spring break, people whose families traveled to Europe every summer, people whose families owned summer homes and personal helicopters rich – but hadn’t really made friends with those students. I’d made friends with the other students on work-study, whose parents lived in modest suburb homes and who wanted to be activists and nurses and teachers. Even the future lawyers I met (and still know) do mostly public interest or government law. I made close friends with zero future doctors. I joked – often – that my brother, who was in computer science, would be supporting me and my parents in our old age. I didn’t date in college; I wished I could date the sons of professors and engineers and lawyers, but they dated the daughters of professors and engineers and doctors.

Post-graduate school was the first time I had to deal with my own money – and my own salary. I’d given up my dreams of becoming a professor to pursue the personal life school had always seemed to preclude me from participating in. I worked contract jobs for a while, earning a significant hourly wage but a low overall wage, and was able to save a little and spend a little, since I was living at home. When I finally took a full-time job, it was a low-paying public service one. In addition to internalizing the belief that I had failed my own potential (whatever that means, of course), I resigned myself to being too poor for many things. Given my salary – and the salaries I could expect – I could never afford a $20,000 wedding, a modest house in a good neighborhood, two college educated children, European vacations with a boyfriend. I couldn’t even afford an apartment with a nice bathtub and air conditioning.

At the time I was seeing someone who seemed to always need more money than he had. It wasn’t that he didn’t spend his money wisely – he was pretty responsible – he just needed all the money he made for necessities. I knew as a single person supporting only myself, I had the luxury of making choices that only affected me. I didn’t have pets, my parents and family didn’t need my help, and if I chose to pay for cable instead of for food that was my prerogative. Suddenly, I became the spender of the couple. When he wanted something nice for himself that he couldn’t afford, I would buy it for him. I bought expensive presents for his birthday and Christmas. I paid for meals when we went out together. I bought us gifts we could enjoy together (nice lingerie) and offered to pay for expenses as small as parking. I never begrudged him this; I knew he didn’t make very much and needed all he had, and I didn’t overspend. I did, however, question his life choices that made it so that he never had his own money. The parts of his life that required his financial attention weren’t parts of his life I could share in, so I was only guessing and empathizing with him.

In Los Angeles, dating is expensive – dating when you spend half your monthly income on rent takes some serious work. When I started dating again, I always split the bill with my date, unless he insisted or was just a gentleman who ordered my drink for me at the bar and paid. It wasn’t that I dated frequently and burned all my money this way; I just never thought to not split the expense. As a woman, of course I ended up coming out behind in the end – buying new dresses, new bras, new shoes, new makeup, new purses, getting my nails done, taking care of my health. But I was securely employed, well-educated, and independent; these were qualities I valued in myself and I needed others to value in me as well.

I haven’t dated “up” yet, despite the fact that I live in Los Angeles. In the words of Friends, I’m not fancy on the inside; it’s hard for me to find myself in situations in which I might meet those people who are higher on the social ladder than I am (it shouldn’t be hard to meet someone higher on the salary ladder than I am; I’m very, very low). I’ve never had a boyfriend that could take care of me. I’m not sure I’ve ever gone out with anyone who could even come close. Would it help? Absolutely. Like many young people, I’m burdened with student loan debt that I religiously pay. I pay my bills and keep a minuscule food budget but try to also enjoy my money and the experiences it can buy. I dream of dating someone who could help me cut expenses in half – food, trips and experiences, gas, rent. I dream of dating someone who could make possible parts of my life I’m not even sure I want – homeownership, namely. And would I let him pay for our dates? Probably.

I’m now dating someone who makes far less than I do (his hourly rate is about half of mine, plus he was briefly unemployed) but at the same time has more than I do. He lives where the cost of living is lower, but he has less expensive tastes than I do (he doesn’t need a theater subscription every year) and is happy someplace I could never really enjoy for long. This time, though, money is a strain. My job is stressful, which means I only enjoy it for the money, which is never enough. We only see each other about once a month; it hasn’t been long enough to see if we will be spending evenly on travel. While in some contexts we try to evenly split the cost of spending time together (he’ll pay for lunch, I’ll pay for the movie tickets; he’ll pick me up from the airport and drive, I’ll pay for the zoo entrance fee), in others I bear the bulk of the cost of us spending time together (we’ll both pay for the plane tickets to get somewhere, but I’ll pay for the hotel room that allows us to be alone together and food) and it makes me feel resentful. Perhaps it’s the fact that I’ve already done this for someone; I’m sure the mounting stress of my job is a contributing factor – the money that allows me to finance our time together is slowly killing me. But the fact of the matter is that I often find myself feeling angry-sad that he isn’t spending equally on us.

I don’t want him to not buy things for himself or enjoy his life without me. And I certainly want him to continue to save towards his own goals and to be comfortable with his financial situation. I dislike, though, the guilt-cycle that inevitably comes out of it: the resentment I feel at my investment not being met, the guilt I feel at being angry because I know he doesn’t make as much as I do, then the renewed resentment because I want to see him next month so I am contemplating buying his plane ticket. Someone joked that I was the “rich boyfriend” – how can that be, when I can barely pay my own rent?!

(Image from Joy of Lingerie on Tumblr. Click on the image to visit!)

bet you didn’t think so i command you to // tmi tuesday #26

I tried! We’ll see if I can make it to next week intact 🙂

TMI Tuesday this week is comprised of actually useful dating-site questions! I’ll answer those first.

1. Who has been the biggest influence in your life?

This is interesting… I’m not 100% sure. Of course my family has been a huge influence on me. My parents are not amazing people with credentials to their name. They were far from perfect parents. They were simply good parents. They made mistakes (at least, I think they were mistakes) and they made what they think are mistakes but that I could not care less about. They tried to teach me about my history and mold me into someone who could be anyone.

Did it always work out the way they intended? No. They encouraged me to not preemptively close any door, but that now means that I am often unable to make quick, painless decisions. I dither. I weigh my options. I wait until the last possible minute to make a decision unless there is a clear right one. At the same time, though, I can see a wide range of options and outcomes for any given situation.

They never pushed me to date, never pushed me to think of myself as pretty or prioritize my looks. They didn’t try to control or manipulate my sexuality and let me make all my decisions about it myself. My mother didn’t teach me how to wear makeup. My father didn’t interrogate me about boys. When my mother caught me over the phone having spent the night in a guy’s dorm room, she didn’t say anything. They virtually never press me about dating. I’m not sure my brother feels he needs to “come out” to them. Now I feel confident without makeup, I don’t feel that I need to share the men in my life with my parents, and I have confidence that comes from the knowledge that I am intelligent, perceptive, opinionated, hardworking, capable, compassionate, and a whole host of other adjectives. On the other hand, I find myself sometimes hurt that I don’t think of myself as beautiful because I have never heard that affirmed by anyone, and it’s difficult for me to take a compliment about my looks seriously. I sometimes assume that my parents assume I will never get married. I lack confidence when I think about dating because I was never taught how. I don’t read romantic/sexual body language or take hints well. I don’t know how to be in a relationship with another person. I am happy to eat alone at a restaurant, but I am sometimes unhappy to come home to an empty apartment. I’m honestly not sure how my parents would react if I told them I wasn’t committed to monogamy.

And they were the ones that really encouraged me to look at myself in the mirror and see who I really was. They were the ones who taught me about being Asian American, being a woman, having a middle-class mindset but a working-class life, being part of a history of activism and alliance and anger. Nothing that has happened to me since I was 17 would have happened without this influence, good and bad.

That being said, I actually I think perhaps the biggest influence at this point in my life has been a series of events, rather than a person. Hindsight has given me a lot of perspective on who I’ve become as a result of being Asian American, female, almost middle class, West coast, and highly educated. It’s especially given me clarity on my years in college.

 

2. What kinds of things really make you laugh?

I’m an easy date, I have to say. Bad puns make me laugh for real (only sometimes out of pity) because I generally think there’s a cleverness associated with puns. Good news. Adorable baby pictures and stories. Kitten pictures. These Instagram videos. Literally any time the cute boy says something cute or flirty. Funny Buzzfeed lists, especially the one about why you should all want to be Hufflepuffs. Great pictures of Chris Evans’s hair.

 

3. What’s your favorite place in the entire world?

Hotel beds and deep soaking tubs/jacuzzi tubs. Seriously.

Also London. Love the food, the walkability, the free museums, the abundance of theatre and music, the beauty of the bridges and Big Ben at night. I know I’m romanticizing it, but it was the first place I ever went abroad, and there’s still something quite magical about it to me.

 

4. Who is your best friend? What do you like about him/her?

My brother and cousin know me best and I talk to them the most. I like that they’re, you know, related to me, so they take me as I am. My brother and I have similar politics but he’s much stronger about his than me. He can also be a good voice of reason. My cousin is female and we have similar interests – television, movies, food, engagement ring shopping. We can literally have entire conversations about tacos, or our favorite meal – pizza, Caesar salad, and cookies. All three of us can quote Pitch Perfect and Friends ad nauseum.

My best friend is someone I grew up with. We’re close in the sense that we have similar life paths, so we can talk about quarter life crises, not having money, having to make tough decisions about where to live, how much we dislike our jobs, investing, getting married, etc. We’re not as close since he moved away to a different state, but I’d like to think we’re still pretty good adult friends. We have real conversations about our lives, politics, social issues, sports, and we can travel together and volunteer for each other’s interests.

In many ways, I think people I identify as partners are also my best friend. They know me in ways I don’t let anyone else know me. Not just sex, of course, but they tend to ask different questions because they didn’t grow up with me and they have a vested interest in certain aspects of my personality. They challenge what I say for clarity, and they want to know what they think about them. They also simply have an intimacy cultivated by constant contact. And, of course, they make me feel incredibly special. The last guy, for example, I talked to nearly every day, so he knew details of my job, my coworkers, my stress levels, my short term concerns, even what I was wearing or what I ate. Now cute boy especially wants to know who I am and how I think. He asks incredibly insightful questions about my personality, my likes and dislikes, my goals, my uncertainties.

 

5. What’s your biggest goal in life right now?

Get better at having difficult conversations. From asking my manager for help advancing my career to dealing with my building manager to telling someone to butt out of my business to telling a guy I’m not interested in him to telling a guy I want something akin to a traditional relationship, I need to be firm and clear and not let the fear of someone’s reaction affect me.

 

6. What was your family like growing up?

Different than all my friends’. My parents were self-employed, so I spent a lot of time with my relatives and taking care of my little brother. We lived far away from my parents’ business and where I went to school, so I learned how to live without a kitchen and a bedroom and a desk. I never learned how to ride a bicycle. I learned how to fix a toilet. I knew the value of money but also didn’t have to hoard it and was allowed to use it as I wanted, no matter how silly it seems in retrospect. I couldn’t play sports in my community, so my parents tried to find other ways to get me engaged with my peers. I was a Girl Scout, my brother was a Boy Scout. I didn’t get to go to sleepovers or just walk over to a friend’s. My brother and I spent a lot of time together. We played together and were a team against video games (I don’t mind grinding, and it’s much easier to keep track of stats when you have a second set of eyes dedicated to monitoring health and magic levels). My parents wanted both of us to avoid being pigeon-holed. They made me pursue advanced science and math courses even when I doubted my own abilities. They didn’t really challenge me to consider my own identity until I was in high school, but they made sure I knew about my grandmother’s camp experience when I was still in elementary school.

 

Bonus: What is one thing about you that would surprise us?

I used to play basketball. (Surprising.) I was terrible at it. (Unsurprising.)

 

That… was much longer than I’d expected!

 

Now for the less fun stuff, which I include only for the sake of clarity/context and because it is important and I’m trying to be more honest. When I started this blog – and through most of its existence – I had one partner. He was amazing and I love him, and I could go on and on about him. We were long distance, and we had other issues, which I won’t go into here. Late last year, I suppose we broke up. I say I “suppose” because I didn’t get the dignity of a breakup. Not that there’s anything inherently dignified about a breakup – mine have always been messy and I’ve been on the losing, sobbing end, to be honest – but I think there’s something respectful about telling someone you are no longer committed to them. Instead, I got the silent treatment. He simply stopped responding to my Twitter DMs and text messages and stopped calling me.

We had a brief text message conversation in January, but that’s it.

In some ways I’ve moved on, but I’m still waiting for time to heal all wounds.

 

Image from Captain Chaos on tumblr.

i’m getting more open hearted // tmi tuesday #24

Hello everyone! Things have changed a lot since my last post in – OH GODS – MAY, so I’m not around nearly as much as I would like to be. I did hear that WordPress may not be the home I want for my blog, so if anyone has any knowledge or so forth to help me move the blog, I’d be much obliged! The next step for me is to collect all my disposable income that I’ve squirreled away over the past couple of months and buy a new laptop to carry to work and while I’m on the go. I’d like to be more active on Twitter as well again, but for now, work and the ridiculous commute is keeping me pretty busy. After the laptop comes a new apartment!

TMI Tuesday stole the EXACT image I was going to use once I saw the questions! This week is a fun amalgamation of questions sort-of-kind-of related to porn.

1. What sex act have you seen in porn videos/films and have never done but want to do? (Describe act or post a link)

From http://www.virtualsin.wordpress.com

So actually, most of the porn I’ve watched has been for educational purposes. And I mean that literally – I watched it for a class. As a result, I don’t really remember any specific acts that I would want to do. I suppose some more aggressive bondage? Maybe? Believe me, I’ve said my fair share of ridiculous, cheesy, porn-esque lines, so we can cross that off the list.

Maybe just something as simple as making out against a recently shut door, or being picked up, carried, and dumped on a bed to be ravished 😀

I do fantasize about roleplaying, with surprising frequency. I’m not sure I’d be terribly good at it, but I suppose it’d be nice to at least try just to see.
2. A lot of porn is remakes of old ideas. It’s difficult to be creative in porn because it’s all basically about the same thing. Everyone is starved for ideas, and if some new idea is successful, it’s immediately swamped by knock-offs. Do you have an idea for something even a little bit new in porn?

From https://hersecretlibrary.wordpress.com

No, I pretty literally do not. I also don’t know that I’ve seen enough porn to know what would be considered “original.” This kind of disappoints me, since I enjoy reading, critiquing, and reviewing some forms of erotica, so it’d be nice to be more well-versed in more traditional forms of pornographic media.
3. Whilst ideally we’d all like to say our partner provides us with the best orgasms, what’s really making you see stars?
a) masturbation
b) sex toys
c) my partner(s)

All of the above (:

4. Have you ever ‘cheated’ on your partner, and did they know/find out? Would you want someone to tell you if your partner was ‘cheating’? Define what you consider ‘cheating’.

I really think these questions should be answered in reverse order. I suppose I would define cheating as engaging in behaviors that were not openly shared out of a sense of guilt or propriety. I don’t think the actions need to be reserved to sexual behaviors, and could include other expressions of intimacy and desire. I also believe the relationship that you are “cheating” on should be established as an exclusive and non-casual one. Now, obviously, fantasizing should not be considered cheating, nor anything that is openly expressed or agreed upon. I think the reasons people are so hurt by what they perceive as “cheating” are related to the security of the relationship. We sense that if our partner cheats on us, we are: not _____ enough for them or unloved. I think behaviors that don’t compromise a relationship are acceptable. In the case of a relationship that is open to compromise – for example, a relationship whose members have found the relationship lacking in some way – the relationship should be ended, for the sake of those involved. I realize that definition is a bit vague, but it is hard to simply define cheating as if there is a single standard against which to compare all situations we might label with “cheating.”

I would want someone to tell me. I’m hardly subtle in my demonstration of interest and devotion to someone – when I like someone, EVERYONE knows. So I think it’d actually be quite frustrating for everyone to know how enamored I was with someone who didn’t deserve my devotion. At the same time, I wouldn’t want to hear it from just some random person. Just because the truth is out there doesn’t mean I’ll be happier knowing it – I can attest to the fact that, in cases of deep love and caring, I would rather prolong the illusion until it literally comes crashing down around me and rips my heart apart. Then I spend months – years, possibly – pining and being sad and crying myself to sleep.

I’ve never cheated on a partner. I’ve literally never had a partner to cheat on.

Bonus: Give us 2-3 erotic paragraphs incorporating the following words in your story(ette): Magnificent, Nero, Licks, Hard, Nipples. (And no, you can’t use them all in one sentence.)

Sorry all – I know you were hoping to read some actual fictional prose from me, but it’s terribly late and I need to get to bed. Maybe next time!

i’m not falling in love with you // tmi tuesday #21

Happy Tuesday everyone! How are you? I had a lovely spring break trip – nothing sexy, just good food and good fun (and a lot of walking). I came back desperate for a massage and busy with backlogged work. Now that I’m a bit more on top of things, it’s back to memes and chasing hard-to-catch casual sex. You know, the usual.

This week’s TMI Tuesday questions are about something I know all too well… college.

1) Have you ever been sexiled? (To be sexiled is to be denied the use of your room, usually dorm room, because someone is having sex there.)

Nope. I mostly just didn’t care and walked into the room anyway. This really only happened once, and my room was separate so I had a door of my own anyway.

2) Were you ever hit on (propositioned) by a someone in your circle of friends who knew you were in a relationship with someone else?

No ): Funny story about a friend I knew was in a relationship with someone else: I wanted to sleep with him. He wanted to sleep with my best friend. Hilarious, right?

3) Did you ever date someone for sex only, i.e. in hopes of a 1-night stand?

Not so much a one-night stand, but maybe multiple nights… I guess I’m not clear on a definition of “dating.” I’m open to the idea of a mostly physical relationship, but I’ve never really had one. I further suspect that it’s in my nature to care, so I can see that a guy would start to feel weird because I’d start to care about his job, his stress, his family, etc. just out of habit, not because I want to MARRY HIM RIGHT NOW or anything.

4) Were you ever involved in a regrettable sexual incident where alcohol or drugs were involved?

No – I don’t do drugs and I can’t get drunk. I have friends who were in this situation, but I was not involved.

5) Did you ever see a porn movie in an actual movie theater? Did you ever see porn on home movie (8mm) before the age of videotape?

I have a circle of friends who are older than me… and I like to play a game that consists of me proving just how young I am. I always win this game.

I’m not old enough for this question 😛

6) Did you ever discuss the prowess of a sex partner with a friend? Did the friend also have a history with the same person?

I’ve never been friends with anyone who has also slept with someone I slept with. I have discussed my sex life and my partners with friends. I talk about my last partner all the fucking time. Since we broke up, you probably wish I’d stop. I do too, frankly.

Bonus: Many heterosexuals ‘experiment’ in college by having their first same-sex encounter. If you are heterosexual did you have your first same-sex sexual experience in college? Did you like it? What did you do? Are you still hetero-flexible or did you become bisexual?

Never had one of those in college. I did spend a night with a friend talking about all the people – of all genders and sexual orientations – in our class we’d sleep with. I had much higher standards than she did. And actually, many of the people I picked were women. I wasn’t that interested in most of the guys I went to college with. They were either friends, not physically attractive to me, dating someone, gay, too pretentious, or endowed with too much white male privilege for me to handle. I’m also pretty sure they all wanted to sleep with my friends/roommates before me. I’m still flexible on who I’d hook up with, I’ve just never really thought about it.

(Image from Sexographies on Tumblr. Click on the image to go there!)

so be careful who it is you’re talking to // tmi tuesday #20

(I love this image. I wish I could say it was me. But it’s not.)

Hey everyone! Happy Tuesday once again. I skipped a couple weeks of TMI Tuesday; two weeks ago I was actually just offended by the first question about Lent. Why would you assume that I observe Lent? That seemed like a poor assumption and, as I’m incredibly unfond of religion, I was sort of turned off to all the other questions as well. Last week was incredibly crazy and I was not at my best. But that’s a different story for a different time/different blog. This week’s questions are really good though!

1. What made the best sex partner you’ve ever had so good?

A combination of things. I was at a high point of sexual confidence, so I had no problem telling him what I liked and what I wanted. While every guy I’ve been with has wanted to make sure it was good for me (those are their exact words), I hadn’t really figured out what would make it really good until this guy. Second, he was willing to do what I wanted, even though it wasn’t exactly what he wanted/wasn’t really something that worked for him. In other words, he was willing to dominate me because I wanted him to, not because he actually wanted to. He would have much preferred to cuddle me and have very gentle sex, but that’s not really my thing after the first few times. Lastly, we loved each other and I trusted him so that the idea of submitting was safe and hot, rather than anxiety-ridden.

2. What made the worst sex partner you’ve ever had so bad?

All of the opposite things from 1. I did not really like him, did not entirely trust him, and honestly wanted him to just shut up the whole time. Our personalities clashed, and I wasn’t as willing to open up and tell him what I liked. Actually, I told him what I didn’t like – the lights on – and he ignored me. Which I let go. My bad. He was very overbearing and tried too hard to take control. Normally, I like this, but he wasn’t good at it so I lost interest quickly. He also asked me to do things that made me really uncomfortable. As much as I wanted to not judge and explore, it was incredibly unsatisfying sex. I should have asked him to leave the minute he asked me to speak in Japanese to him.

3. Who was the most physically attractive person you ever had sex with?

UHHHH. I don’t have sex with good-looking people. Probably my last partner. I thought he was very handsome in a sort of boy-next-door way. Not so good-looking that I was intimidated, but enough so that I was attracted but comfortable.

4. How was it?

It was always good, and sometimes it was downright amazing. We were long-distance, so we got pretty good at communicating. See almost everything I’ve written about our sex.

5. Who was the least physically attractive person you ever had sex with?

Oh that’s so subjective and I feel so bad ;___; (Do I count? I have sex with myself a lot.) Probably the Friend With Benefits I had while in grad school. He’s adorable, but in an adorable way. Not really in a drop-your-panties kind of way.

6. Why did you do it?

I really needed sex. That sounds incredibly shallow, but true.

7. How was it?

Eh, it was okay. Again, unsatisfying because we weren’t really in a relationship. I told him what I liked, but he wasn’t really into it; he actually admitted most of the time he was “too tired” to do things that would really get me going. So I got like, half-sex.

Bonus: Describe a bad sexual experience you admit was your fault.

The aforementioned bad sex. I admit that it was my fault because I shouldn’t ever have slept with him. That would have made my life a lot easier. He was persistent so I gave in (shut up, I know you’re judging me), and that was a huge mistake.

(Image from theclassypolaroid on Tumblr)

i’m finally ready to take that blind leap

Image

Miss me? Somehow I doubt it 😉 But yes, I am back, at least temporarily. Part of this is that I have a new smartphone and OH MY GODS IT DOES STUFF. I can post to Twitter, I can bookmark interesting images and sites, I can use Yelp on the go to find lingerie stores… It’s crazy. How did I live without one before?!

The other part is what is with each passing day looking increasingly like heartbreak, which is a lot less exciting. Suddenly my life has a lot of time in it. For someone who was “not a real boyfriend” I built my life around him as if he was, and I’m only now becoming aware of it. No wonder everyone thought I was dating. I have no idea what’s really going on, so I haven’t really had a lot of violent mood swings or cries. If I had to pick, I’d say I’m just nursing a sense of anger and betrayal.

One of the things I cannot stand to hear but have now heard every time someone has broken up with me is, “You deserve better.”

Bullshit.

Okay. Maybe they’ve all actually meant this. Maybe they were all being nice guys. But to be honest, to me it always translates to, “I found someone better.” It doesn’t help that it’s always true. Either they literally have found someone better, or they’re going out with someone new within days.

I’m not sure I’d actually prefer to hear the truth. I’m already sensitive about how sparse my relationship record is. I think what I don’t like is knowing that I’m being lied to. I love white lies and sugar-coating. Believe me, I tell them and do it all the time at work. But when it comes to relationships, I feel like any guy who says that to me thinking that I’ll believe him is just patronizing me. As if I can’t see through the patent falsehood, like I won’t notice him with someone else at that party, like I haven’t heard that he’s hooking up with my best friend, like I won’t keep hearing, “I said I loved you, but I guess I just love her more.”

Or is it that it makes it sound like I don’t even know what’s good for me, what’s right for me? I admit that I’m terrible at knowing these things, especially apparently when it comes to relationships. But I firmly believe that even if it’s a stupid decision, if it feels right in my heart, then I can’t go wrong. Not because it won’t explode in my face, but because at least then I took a stand without regret. I don’t regret falling for guys and holding on for dear life. I regret those relationships not working out, of course, but I don’t regret what I did. I literally force guys to break up with me because I won’t let go. But to hear, “You deserve better” just sounds like he knows better. He knows what’s good for me. He knows that I’m just being irrational because I didn’t want better, I just wanted him. He knows that it’ll all work out for me someday, because it all worked out for him, didn’t it?

And by saying, “You deserve better,” he can dust his hands off and never worry about it again. He took responsibility, admitted he wasn’t right for me, and now everything else is my problem. If I’m heartbroken – well, that’s just because I haven’t seen the light yet. If I’m upset because I feel used – well, all the more reason he wasn’t good enough for me. If I feel small and empty and worthless – well, obviously he told me that wasn’t true, so what’s my problem? He gets to go back to his comfortable new relationship and not worry about me.

I’m sure that this is a line I’ll be tempted to use someday, if I ever get the privilege of breaking up with someone (so far I’ve only been broken up with – the downside of being so selective about who I fall for). And I’m sure part of me will mean it. Maybe all of me. And I’m sure he’ll disagree. He’ll feel like I do now (or will, when enough time has passed that I can officially put it down as a breakup).

So someone has to remind me not to. The person I usually ask to remind me about things isn’t around anymore, so here you go Internet, do your thing.

Hopefully I’ll be back on Tuesday for TMI Tuesday. Cross your fingers! I have to teach on Tuesday night so hopefully I will have some time during the day.

(Image from Lovely Derrier on Tumblr. Click on the image to visit!)

it’s always darkest before the dawn // contest

Whoa! Sorry for the huge delay between posts! Everything has just caught up with my very quickly. I’m submitting a major application next week that has me doing work at my computer almost nonstop (I am definitely going to need that massage in a couple of weeks. Gods I have such a huge crush on the guy that does my massages) and Tuesday was primary election day in California (which is a rant for a different day and a different blog).

Anyone who reads this enough or has been (un)lucky enough to hear my thoughts on the subject knows that I have a deep and wide submissive side. There are a number of different ways to look at this. With one partner it was because I loved the feeling that he was so much more experienced than I was. Having him tell me what to do made me feel, for lack of a better word, useful, and I love being told I’m a quick learner.

Yes, I admit to being a little lazy, especially when my partner isn’t very stimulating. I have done that in the past… just kind of let my partner do whatever he wanted because I really wasn’t that interested. I tried to take control and get him to do what I wanted (or at least something that would be stimulating enough to get me into it) in the form of a little roughness and spanking, but sadly that didn’t go anywhere. He actually said it was too much work for him, so I gave up.

On the sex and the relationship, in case anyone was wondering.

With my current partner I love being submissive in all the best ways (in my opinion). I love having him tell me what to do so I can please him. It turns me on incredibly to know that it’s good for him. I also like relinquishing control to him. He treats me like a princess all the time; I kind of like it when he takes control and does rough, sexy things to me. Making me do what he wants, instead of him bending to my will, gets me so hot. I think it’s that I trust him, so being completely submissive to him is incredibly intimate.

There’s a limit on our submissive/dominant relationship (he admitted to me early on that he doesn’t really have a dominant kind of personality, so it’s super sweet that he does it just for me), but the extents to which we take it are just right for us. Personally, I think we’re both fans of a scenario that involves bedposts and ties. Ties that I’ve bought him as presents (and taken some naughty pictures of!). So far we mostly focus on tying up hands, since it’s a heat-of-the-moment kind of thing, but I’m pretty turned on by the thought of ankle cuffs too. Being completely open and exposed for my partner to do with as he wants? Don’t tell me that’s not hot.

Luckily for those like me who are itching to try out new things, Adriana at Of Sex and Love is giving away a beginner’s bondage kit thanks to MyPleasure! It includes a nice, full set of beginner toys, including adorable ankle and wrist cuffs with tethers. They have heart rings, which reminds you that while what you’re doing may be hot and naughty, you’re doing it because you love your partner~ (Or at least have strong feelings of trust for them.) Plus there’s a pretty sweet looking blindfold, which I have not experimented with but now definitely want to.

There are a lot of different ways to enter, none of which require Facebook login! Hooray! Enter by clicking on the link above. Good luck!

(Image courtesy of lust-sex-love on Tumblr. Click on the image to visit!)

everyone’s got an agenda // tmi tuesday #13

The holiday weekend threw me all off! Today definitely doesn’t feel like Tuesday… Worse, it feels like a Monday ): And I always have so much to do on Mondays.

This week’s TMI Tuesday questions are all about fantasies. (I typed “fantasy” at first, and then realized that might be misunderstood. No werewolves here.)

1. If your lover was turned on by forced feminization would you participate (giving or receiving)?
*forced feminization is the practice of enforcing activities on a male, which are typically associated with women, to make him submissive. For example: wearing lingerie, heels, make-up.

I suppose so. Why not? Unless he looks better in my lingerie than I do, in which case all bets are off and I reserve the right to sulk in the kitchen while eating an entire (small) carton of ice cream.

2. When you have sexual dreams or fantasies that are aggressive or cruel, does it worry you?

Not really. I rarely have aggressive/cruel dreams (or, more accurately, I rarely remember them, so it’s like not having them) and I control my fantasies, so it doesn’t bother me. I also know I tend to prefer aggressive sex anyway; my mind tends to wander and work quickly, so gentle, slow sex tends to give me too much leeway to get distracted.

3. Tell us your hottest filthiest fantasy, right now, in 100 words or less. 
This is the fantasy about your desires that you probably never share, maybe they even go against your morals, or are societal taboos.

Uhhhh.

Okay, I’m actually working pretty hard at this, and I can’t think of any that are “filthy,” nor can I think of any that are both “hot” and “never shared.” For example, I have fantasies that I never share, but they’re more relationship-centered than sex-centered, if that makes sense.

Well, TMI. I often fantasize about what it would be like to actually date my partner – like, introduce him to my parents, have him over for Thanksgiving, have him take me out for my birthday, go on vacation together, think about “the future,” that kind of stuff. That’s not really hot, and I only never share it because sharing it would mean I also have to admit to myself that deep down I already know that we’re never going to be that kind of couple, and all the rest is just me pretending. Which is depressing. TMI.

Er, actually, this isn’t “filthy,” but it is hot: I am incredibly turned on by situations involving power. One of my longest and most detailed fantasies involves me being a very willing and obliging secretary. Like. Incredibly obliging. With hotel rooms and maid costumes obliging. (Yes, I have an extremely strong attraction to men in suits. Hush. You know you do too.)

And one for the road: socially taboo? Visiting my partner at his school and having sex in the teacher restroom.

4. Which super hero would you like to have sex with? Why?
a. Aquaman
b. Superman
c. Wonder Woman
d. She-Ra

HMMMM. If I had sex with Aquaman, would that also mean that I could breathe underwater? Because I think that would be pretty cool.

I imagine sex with Superman to be somewhat boring. I’m not sure why. Maybe because he’s a bit too much of a goody-goody for my tastes. But he has glasses, and glasses are sexy.

I’m going with Wonder Woman. She’s hot.

5. Knowing there’s a hot young couple in the adjoining hotel room, would you press your ear against the wall to hear the action on the other side?

Uh, YES.

Was that too enthusiastic? I’m just saying. I have a thing for hotel room sex as it is. It’d be like having free porn.

Clearly all of you should keep tabs on my travel plans.

6. Do you think the lure to live out sexual fantasies or have sex frequently is amplified by technology? Briefly explain.

I’m not sure I really understand this question, but I would say that technology helps us explore our fantasies, learn more about our sexuality, and connect with other people. Technology gives us access to a wide range of stimuli, which helps develop our sexual tastes and preferences, and introduces us to new ideas with which to build fantasy. Which, to me, leads to a healthy sex life and positive feelings towards our sexuality and sexual fantasies. On a more practical level, technology gives us access to people and information. Pornography is easier to find and with less fear of judgement attached. Speaking from experience, I have Internet and phone sex frequently, far, far more frequently than I have actual physical sex (disappointing for me, but what are you gonna do). And then there’s always the hook-up category on Craigslist.

Bonus: Describe your fantasy life in three (3) words.

Happy, healthy, interesting

I don’t think I understood that question either.

(Image from wejumptogether on Tumblr. Click on the image to visit them!)

maybe i shouldn’t have called // tmi tuesday #8

Yesterday and today have been rough. Normally I would be way more excited about these questions (I was when they went up on Sunday!), but right now I’m just not feeling sexy or intimate. I feel very distant and cold and a little bit like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff. I’m afraid I’m just thinking too hard, but that if I don’t think that hard I won’t be happy either. Life’s a bitch sometimes.

This week’s TMI Tuesday questions are on a subject near and dear to our hearts (and some other body parts, too). It’s all about SEX!… Yes, again.

1. What is your sexual personality?
a. The Controller – initiating sex, twisting your lover into positions you want, and driving scene play by play
b. Sex Slave – You love to be used and at the mercy of your lover. You don’t initiate but follow and do as you are told. You love to be used.
c. Daredevil – Sexual adventure and sexual thrills are what you are all about. You get off on the risk factor.
d. Subdued – Sex is a necessary part of the relationship so you are available when needed.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. 😀

2. How many times have you sneaked away from party guests to have sex in another part of the party venue. Where did you sneak to? Were you ever caught? For example, at a wedding reception you sneaked to have sex in the coat room. At a party, you sneaked to have sex in a bathroom or closet.

Never. I’ve never been to a party, and I’ve definitely never been to a party with anyone.

3. Your sex partner that you are mad crazy for has requested you do one of the following, which one would you grant consent to do:
a. Bondage/light restraint with your hands, legs tied while having sex
b. A sexual spanking that leaves light marks
c. Record the two of you having sex
d. Have sex in a mirrored room where you can see yourselves having sex from every angle

Any of the above, provided I trusted them enough in addition to being madly attracted to them.

4. Do you act out your sexual fantasies (select one)? Why?
a. I act out all of my fantasies.
b. I act out many of my fantasies.
c. I act out some of my fantasies.
d. I act out very few of my fantasies.
e. I don’t act out any of my fantasies.
f. I don’t have any fantasies.

Hmmmm… Probably D. Most of my fantasies are exactly that – fantasy – and based on a set of highly unlikely (and, in fact, apparently impossible) scenarios that I couldn’t really get to happen. I don’t really have big, vague fantasies; rather, I fantasize about a particular partner and particular situations or acts. For example, sex in the backseat of his car, or hotel room sex after a day of driving around visiting comic book stores and walking along the edge of the beach because we hate sand. See? Weirdly specific. So unless I can get those situations to line up (which, I’ve been informed, is not going to happen) I won’t get to act them out.

I have had some simpler ones that we’ve played on, but I don’t have many of those.

5. How important is sex in your life (select one)?
a. I could hardly survive without it.
b. It is very important.
c. It is somewhat important.
d. I could live without it.
e. If it were up to me, sex wouldn’t even exist!

Depends on what we mean by sex. I’m somewhere in the B-D spectrum. By that I mean that for a long time, I have lived without it, if we specifically mean sex with a partner. If we take a broader view of sex that includes phone sex, Internet sex, erotica, masturbation, etc., then C might be more accurate. I’m not sure I actively seek out these venues for sex, but they turn up with frequency (sort of on a when-I-feel-like-it basis) so I’m willing to accept that they must be important. B is only true for having a partner.

Bonus: Finish the following phrase.

Sex is preceded by grope-y snuggling and followed by snuggly spooning.

(Image originally posted by lust-sex-love on Tumblr. Click on the link to check her out!)