Monthly Archives: November 2015

how a face can change when a heart knows fear // tmi tuesday #27

Greetings from not-LA! I’m visiting someone I’m dating this weekend and, since he worked today, I spent the whole day holed up in his room snuggling in his bed and watching cartoons. I’ve eaten Cheez-Its and 2 mini Three Musketeers bars. I’m a real grown-up, guys.

TMI Tuesday this week is a neat series of fun, pretty easy questions.

1. Are there any literary or TV/movie relationships that remind you of one of your real life relationships?

I watch a lot of TV and movies; anyone can tell you that (although, hilarious, not as much as actual real people who like television and movies). And, while I frequently find myself empathizing with characters’ emotions or experiences, I never really looked at a couple and thought, “Yes, that’s us.”

I think it’s because my relationships have been so complicated. Movies and television shows tend to have happy endings for their characters, and that’s never been me. I’ve never really seen my most meaningful relationships – one with someone who was married, the other with someone who is both long distance and poly – reflected in pop culture. It hasn’t given me much to work with, and I’ve been struggling to find the vocabulary from mono-, open, and poly-relationship to guide my relationships.

I assume we’re talking about dating/sex type relationships. I’ve never really noticed if TV/movie relationships are like the ones I have with my family or friends. I will say, however, that now when I watch anything that even remotely gets emotional about being a sibling, or being a parent, I get all watery and sloppy.

2. Would you rather make a
a. phone call
b. text
c. email

Definitely a text. Even though I love phone conversations and talking in person, I’ve gotten used to having text messages be my primary form of communication with people. I can get so many more thoughts out, and I can be quick and discreet. I love sexting, by the way.

Text messages also give me a decent record of what I’ve already said, without having to write a novel of an email about it.

3. What are you wanting more of in your sex life right now?


Sex. Communication. Intimacy. All the things that make sex really good and give me the warm fuzzies inside. Last night we fell asleep cuddling; he was pressed up against me with his head on my breasts and I was holding his head and stroking his hair. It was wonderful and made me deeply happy, but I wish that kind of intimacy was accompanied by the sex and conversation that made our first few months together amazing.

4. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are living right now?

I would get a new job that allowed me to work remotely and/or travel, quit my current one, and spend the last year of my life splitting my time between all the places I’ve always wanted to see and spending time with my family. I would stop worrying about money (except not really, I wouldn’t want all my debts to transfer to my parents since my life insurance wouldn’t cover all of them) and I would stop worrying about making other people happy. I would either dive into my current relationship or I’d let him go, depending on what he was willing to do with me before I died. I would write. I would research. I would finish all my DIY projects and wear a bikini to the beach.

5. Fill in the blank: If you really knew me, you’d know_____.

That I am insecure, and afraid that anyone who loves me will leave me, and anyone who likes me will never love me, and that I am only being played for a fool.

Bonus: If you could change one thing about how you were raised as a child, what would it be?

I would definitely have changed the fact that I grew up knowing virtually nothing about dating. I had no idea how to wear makeup or pick out clothes. As I’ve grown older I’ve grown weary of the games people play in dating, but to be honest I think it’s partially because I don’t know how to play the games or make them work for me. Once I know someone I can be flirty and sexy as much as I can be serious and intellectual, but I tend to be the latter first and then the former.

Image from Romantic Pornography on tumblr.