i’m finally ready to take that blind leap

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Miss me? Somehow I doubt it đŸ˜‰ But yes, I am back, at least temporarily. Part of this is that I have a new smartphone and OH MY GODS IT DOES STUFF. I can post to Twitter, I can bookmark interesting images and sites, I can use Yelp on the go to find lingerie stores… It’s crazy. How did I live without one before?!

The other part is what is with each passing day looking increasingly like heartbreak, which is a lot less exciting. Suddenly my life has a lot of time in it. For someone who was “not a real boyfriend” I built my life around him as if he was, and I’m only now becoming aware of it. No wonder everyone thought I was dating. I have no idea what’s really going on, so I haven’t really had a lot of violent mood swings or cries. If I had to pick, I’d say I’m just nursing a sense of anger and betrayal.

One of the things I cannot stand to hear but have now heard every time someone has broken up with me is, “You deserve better.”

Bullshit.

Okay. Maybe they’ve all actually meant this. Maybe they were all being nice guys. But to be honest, to me it always translates to, “I found someone better.” It doesn’t help that it’s always true. Either they literally have found someone better, or they’re going out with someone new within days.

I’m not sure I’d actually prefer to hear the truth. I’m already sensitive about how sparse my relationship record is. I think what I don’t like is knowing that I’m being lied to. I love white lies and sugar-coating. Believe me, I tell them and do it all the time at work. But when it comes to relationships, I feel like any guy who says that to me thinking that I’ll believe him is just patronizing me. As if I can’t see through the patent falsehood, like I won’t notice him with someone else at that party, like I haven’t heard that he’s hooking up with my best friend, like I won’t keep hearing, “I said I loved you, but I guess I just love her more.”

Or is it that it makes it sound like I don’t even know what’s good for me, what’s right for me? I admit that I’m terrible at knowing these things, especially apparently when it comes to relationships. But I firmly believe that even if it’s a stupid decision, if it feels right in my heart, then I can’t go wrong. Not because it won’t explode in my face, but because at least then I took a stand without regret. I don’t regret falling for guys and holding on for dear life. I regret those relationships not working out, of course, but I don’t regret what I did. I literally force guys to break up with me because I won’t let go. But to hear, “You deserve better” just sounds like he knows better. He knows what’s good for me. He knows that I’m just being irrational because I didn’t want better, I just wanted him. He knows that it’ll all work out for me someday, because it all worked out for him, didn’t it?

And by saying, “You deserve better,” he can dust his hands off and never worry about it again. He took responsibility, admitted he wasn’t right for me, and now everything else is my problem. If I’m heartbroken – well, that’s just because I haven’t seen the light yet. If I’m upset because I feel used – well, all the more reason he wasn’t good enough for me. If I feel small and empty and worthless – well, obviously he told me that wasn’t true, so what’s my problem? He gets to go back to his comfortable new relationship and not worry about me.

I’m sure that this is a line I’ll be tempted to use someday, if I ever get the privilege of breaking up with someone (so far I’ve only been broken up with – the downside of being so selective about who I fall for). And I’m sure part of me will mean it. Maybe all of me. And I’m sure he’ll disagree. He’ll feel like I do now (or will, when enough time has passed that I can officially put it down as a breakup).

So someone has to remind me not to. The person I usually ask to remind me about things isn’t around anymore, so here you go Internet, do your thing.

Hopefully I’ll be back on Tuesday for TMI Tuesday. Cross your fingers! I have to teach on Tuesday night so hopefully I will have some time during the day.

(Image from Lovely Derrier on Tumblr. Click on the image to visit!)

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Posted on January 26, 2013, in check in, relationships, thoughts and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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